Catching Up

As a precursor to this entry, I'd like to say something about pronouns.  TK has told me this week that she has decided that "girls are better" (at what, I don't know) and that she has decided she is going to be a girl for this school year.  Based on what our therapist has told me lately, this type of announcement is to be expected.  It could be TK's way of saying she wants to be a girl full-time, but is still afraid of total commitment.  On that note, most of the kids in her class believe she is a girl and she has asked me to use female pronouns when school friends are around.  Because of that, I am going to try my damnedest to use female pronouns on this blog, in hopes that writing it will help my mouth say the right thing.  It's a hard thing, changing pronouns.  Give it a shot sometime.  Talk about your child in the opposite pronoun. It is not easy to break that habit.  



So I've been glued to Orange Is the New Black lately.  It took awhile for me to warm up to what I viewed as glorified porn in the pilot, but for anyone as put off as I was, stick with it.  It's well worth it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no prude.  I just think that if you're gonna watch/read porn, do it.  Don't wrap it up in a pretty title and call it literature or a simple tv show.  I'm looking at you, 50 Shades!  Pft....literature!  Puh-lease!

Anyway, so Orange.  It took me 6 weeks to get around to watching episode 2, and 6 days to finish season 1.  The reason I'm writing about it here is Sophia Burset, played by the lovely Laverne Cox.  I'm probably a total child but I think it's teehee hilarious that a trans woman has the surname Cox.  Teehee!  But seriously, near the beginning of the season, one episode focused on Sophia's past, namely on her transition from big burly fireman to svelte and sexy woman.  This alone touched me, as the idea of someone in a career like firefighting must go through hell to make that transition.  However, what really struck home was Sophia's wife. There is a scene (this isn't really a spoiler...I hope) where her wife is eagerly waiting to see a new outfit Sophia is trying on.  Cowboy boots and a mini skirt.  The wife tells Sophia it's not working and Sophia pouts like a lost little girl.  This 6 foot something firefighter pouts like a girl and says she never got to dress like a teenager.  Her wife tells her she never will and finds a classy dress for Sophia to try on.  It was this entire poignant moment that portrayed the agony of Sophia's transition, that of the wife being encourage while still hurt and confused, and of the pain of their relationship changing, mixed with the happiness of Sophia finally being herself.  Tears rolled down my face.

TK is 8, in 3rd grade.  She wears tutus and sparkly skirts, glitter shoes, bedazzled pants, and leopard print leggings.  She dresses like a kindergartner.  She stands out like a sore thumb against the other 3rd grade girls.  A very glittery sore thumb.  She doesn't seem to notice or care.  It is obvious though, that she missed that stage and is making up for it now.  I am just so glad that she's catching up now in 3rd grade, and not later when she's 35.  I can't even begin to imagine.  I can't fathom what it would be like to go through this as an adult.  Right now, TK is a child.  She is ever-changing and growing, learning and failing, figuring out who she is.  To do that now means that hardly anyone outside our family will remember this transition.  Hell, she may not even remember it that clearly.  As an adult, everyone would remember and it'd hurt over and over as she ran into people she hadn't seen in years.  I've been told so many times that she is so lucky to go through this now, that we as a family are lucky, that it is easier.  I don't think I've believed it before but I most certainly do now.  Between being told off last week by a parent of a trans man about how "easy" I had it, (oh yeah, that happened) and watching this episode, I've seen how true it is.  I'm thankful that TK has been able to do this so young and I have to say that although it seems like the biggest hurdle in the world, I know that no matter how it ends up, this period of her life will fade in everybody's memory and whoever she is at 35 won't be affected by who she is today.

Cass Stage 5

If you have never heard of the Cass Identity Model, it is a neat little collection of the 6 steps of coming out. While usually meant for gay people, it can also be applied to transgender people.  Much like the steps you hear about for the grieving process, the Cass stages go through confusion (or denial), comparison, tolerance, and acceptance.  However, it doesn't stop at acceptance.  Stage 5 of the Cass model is pride.  I'm not talking about walking around with self-esteem or anything mundane like that.  No people, this is the LGBT community we are talking about.  It's not just pride.

It's PAH-RIDE!!!!!!
*sparkle, sparkle*

I remember when we first started therapy, we were new to the acceptance stage and trying to just deal with the idea of having to explain TK to others.  I asked if this would ever become something that just was part of our lives, something that wasn't a big deal, that wasn't part of our conversation several times a day, something that we just lived with without all the focus.  The answer I got was a resounding YES!  I breathed a sigh of relief, but then the therapist told me to enjoy this stage because in between acceptance and synthesis is pride.  Big fat rainbow-tutu'd, getting interviewed by drag queens, gold glitter highlights in the hair PRIDE!  

TK (left) & his cousin

TK jumped into the pride stage with aplomb.  No, he didn't jump, he sashayed.  In fact, he's still riding that pride wave high.  Today was his first day of 3rd grade.  I have been nervous about it all summer.  Last week, the county was awesome enough to go into his school and give an LGBT training to the teachers.  It got some pretty good reception so I was a bit hopeful that this year would be different from the train wreck of last year.  New school (because the school is split at 2nd grade, not because we changed schools), new teachers, new principal.  But the same kids.  The same students who have known TK since kindergarten...the kids who know he is a boy.

TK waltzed onto that campus this morning in his leopard print leggings, glittery top, and pigtails streaming.  Four pigtails, actually.  Can't pass up an opportunity to be different.  He walked right into his classroom, hung up his Hello Kitty backpack and lunchbox, and said hi to all his old classmates.  Some of them recognized him, some didn't.  Some gave him a long look, others didn't blink an eye.  But, none of that mattered because he was on top of the world and this is going to be his year.

As I went to leave, TK told me he wanted female pronouns.  I don't know if he meant at school or everywhere and I haven't had the chance to bring it up but, he did tell me that everyone called him "she" at school.  However, that's not the most exciting thing.  To me, the best part of the day was when my 6th grader said he saw TK coming out of the bathroom.  He used the bathroom!  At school!  He hasn't done this in a very long time.  Yay for the pride stage!  If it means my son is happy and comfortable in who he is, I'm happy to let the flamboyant dress-up and outlandish hair-do's last as long as he needs them to.

And although I am looking forward to the synthesis stage, I kind of want to hang onto my baby's male pronouns for a bit in the meantime.  I've read about how parents of trans children feel like they've lost a son or daughter and I never understood, until now.  Hearing other people call TK "she" regularly now, a part of me dies inside every time I hear it.  He is my baby.  He's my last child.  He's my little boy.  Only...I'm not sure he is my little boy, or ever really has been.  He may actually be that daughter I've always wanted.